


you are the piece of me I wish I didn’t need...

by NaomiLeyers



Category: Spartacus Series (TV), Spartacus: Vengeance
Genre: Canon Compliant, Enemies to Lovers, F/F, POV Mira
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:07:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23862031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NaomiLeyers/pseuds/NaomiLeyers
Summary: “You are alive.” is the first thing Saxa tells her when they return back to the temple, bloody and exhausted.Mira doesn’t look at her.“Sorry to disappoint,” she answers.Saxa shrugs. “Disappointment would suggest caring,” she states. “Which I don’t. It would be shame though,” she adds. “You are too pretty to die.”in which Saxa really is into Mira, but she sort of sucks at voicing it the right way
Relationships: Mira/Saxa, past/implied Mira/Spartacus
Comments: 11
Kudos: 14





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> nothing belongs to me except plot if there is any, all mistakes are my own, the characters belong to Steven deKnight and starz and the title is from Clarity by Zedd
> 
> also, I really hope this finds you well, stay safe <3

„You are good with them. Even though arrows _are_ terribly inferior. Still, your skill with them is undeniable.“ Saxa tells her, leaning against the wall of the temple. Mira shoots her a suspicious glare before taking the quiver and filling it with arrows.

“If you came to mock me, save it,” she says coldly. “Spartacus waits and I don’t have time for this.”

Saxa crosses her arms on her chest, her blond hair framing her face in unkempt curls.

“He calls and you come running,” she observes, but it doesn’t sound mocking, but _contemplating_? “Even though you won’t be good enough for him.”

Mira thinks for a second about the feeling of Illythia’s throat spasming under her fingers and about anger and pain written into Spartacus’s face when he pulled her away. She shakes her head, curling her fingers around the head of an arrow, wincing only a little when the metal pierces her skin.

“It is not part of your business,” she states, “but he is a friend. That first.”

“You love him,” Saxa tells her and she looks amused by that. “The man is lost, buried so deep in regret and self-hate Apollo himself couldn’t reach him with light but you still love him as if you could _save_ him.”

Mira hastily grabs the quiver and her bow, throwing both over her shoulder.

“I need to go,” she says and her voice only breaks a bit and Saxa sighs but she doesn’t step into her way.

She almost makes it out of their makeshift armory.

“Mira!” The German calls after her and she hates herself for stopping at her tone but she has been trained to react to free people and she isn't sure she’ll ever be completely free of her past.

Saxa doesn’t move from where she is leaning against the wall. Her voice is unexpectedly gentle when she speaks up again.

“You cannot save him,” she says, tired and sad and so unlike her. “And you’ll never be good enough for _him_. But that doesn’t mean you _aren’t_ good enough.”


	2. Chapter 2

“You are alive.” is the first thing Saxa tells her when they return back to the temple, bloody and exhausted.

Mira doesn’t look at her.

“Sorry to disappoint,” she answers and she can _hear_ how hollow her voice sounds but Lucius is dead, he is dead because they failed and because Spartacus insisted on giving Glaber a chance to act entirely different from _his own nature_ and Mira thinks of the blood splattered around ludus and about the _Roman_ giving up his life to save _them_ and she feels like drowning.

Saxa shrugs. “Disappointment would suggest caring,” she states decisively. “Which I don’t. It would be shame though,” she adds. “You are too pretty to die.”

Mira laughs and it sounds hollow even to her own ears. She shouldn’t laugh; it is nothing funny and if Saxa’s only reason for wanting her alive is that she is _too pretty_ , then her life sucks more than she thought, after all, being _too pretty_ has never brought her anything but pain and humiliation and now she isn't even _pretty enough_ for Spartacus, who _has almost got all of them killed just because_ he _would have exchanged anything and everything for his wife_ and it is too much and she looks at the temple, at the place where Lucius spent _decades_ and he’ll never come home again and –

Saxa lets out a soft sigh and she moves forward before the archer can collapse completely, wrapping her arms around Mira’s waist, holding her up.

“It’s alright,” the German tells her. “Breathe.”

She doesn’t call for help, she doesn’t ask anyone to bring Spartacus. She just stands there, holding Mira, taking part of her weight on her.

When Mira feels like she can again stand without feeling like the world has just turned upside down, she carefully untangles herself from Saxa’s hug; Saxa lets her go almost immediately.

“Better?” she asks and Mira rests one hand against the nearest wall but she nods.

“Yes. Of course. I- gratitude. I didn’t mean to cause you-“

Saxa interrupts her by pressing a hand against her lips, successfully silencing her.

“If you want to tie your life to Spartacus, I understand,” she says. “I mean- we have all tied our lives to his now, I don’t have much space to judge you. And I will never question his skill. But men like him- you’ll cut yourself into pieces if you keep on trying to save him.” She smiles, bitterly. “He is a good man. He must have been a better husband. But he cannot make you happy – and he definitely cannot make you free.”

She lets her hand fall down to her waist, her fingers dancing across the blades of her daggers.

“You might be one of the strongest people I have met.” she adds and her voice suddenly turns cold and cruel and sharp. “And yet, you stubbornly remain weak.”

And then she turns around and walks into the temple, leaving Mira alone and confused and – rather surprisingly – with a little bit less broken heart.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry, I know it has been a while
> 
> * for a certain special person, who basically annoyed this chapter into existence ;-) <3

Mira feels stupid and weak and vulnerable enough without an entire meeting being called to discuss how stupid and weak and vulnerable they are. (She also feels betrayed, which is ridiculous; she knows, rationally, that the point of a surprise attack is that it is a surprise, thank you very much, but the truth still remains, that there were once times when Spartacus didn’t keep secrets from her.)

The meeting is unsurprisingly horrible; the Germans unwilling to listen, Crixus angry and worried, Agron desperate and pulled both directions, because _those people are his tribe but they are his family, almost_ , Oenomaus and Gannicus glaring at each other, both clearly heart-broken over _something terrible that happened years ago, what still pains them but they will not tell anyone what it is about_ and Spartacus sad and tired and terrified, because _he is responsible for them all and yet he feels like he cannot save them_ and Mira feels slightly weird, because she knows all of this without anyone really telling her.

Still, she leans back against a pillar and listens to the complaints about lack of swords and she gets them; these men and women are used to fight with swords, and they will not settle for anything else.

“I can teach you to use bow and arrows,” she offers softly anyway, because the point remains, they _do not have swords_.

Saxa catches her look, smirking.

“ _The bitch and her fucking bow_ ,” she says in German, making Agron turn to her in annoyance and Mira roll her eyes, because why did she ask Agron to teach her German again?

The meeting is dissolved after some other useless commentaries, Spartacus asks Oenomaus to train the Germans, Mira winces at his cold refusal of Gannicus’ offer to help and then Spartacus calls Agron to another top-secret meeting which, again, hurts, because he is keeping secrets from _her_ and Mira has made her peace with not being what Spartacus longs after, _but they were friends for gods’ sake and would it kill him to at least acknowledge_ that _?_

That, of course, leaves her sitting at the stairs of the temple, watching the training. (She considers asking Oenomaus to teach her how to fight, too, but the truth is, she knows the basics and is rather content with her long-distance weapon, no matter what Saxa thinks.)

She is so lost in thoughts, she doesn’t even notice Saxa as she sits on the stairs next to her.

“You should try training with a proper weapon for once,” the blonde tells her, making Mira jump a little and she crosses her arms on her chest defensively.

“I already _use_ a proper weapon,” she states in what she hopes is decisive tone.

Saxa laughs at her, rich and surprisingly annoyed.

“You think so,” she says, her voice cold. “I would offer teaching you how to fight like a warrior, not a hunter, but as you wish. Stay with that bow of yours.”

And then she turns and walks back to Oenomaus and the Germans, leaving Mira watching (and feeling mildly impressed) as she kicks Nemetes’ ass all over the place.


	4. Chapter 4

The German they are fighting against collapses to the ground with a loud _thump_ and Mira looks around, as the ovations erupt, happy and proud and gleaming and then she looks at Saxa, who is smirking slightly and their eyes meet and Mira wonders if she should shake her hand or hug her, but before she can decide which one, Saxa leans closer, catches her by the chin, lifts her face up and she kisses her.

Saxa kisses her.

It only lasts a second and she leans back before Mira gets the chance to react, but the cheering of their audience gets louder and Mira smiles at her, but before she can say anything, they are swept away by their friends, by Agron hugging a surprised-looking Saxa and by Naevia almost throwing herself at Mira, whispering “Good work.” and kissing her on the cheek.

“You fought well,” Spartacus tells her then and she smiles at him a little and she almost laughs, because really, having his attention back is something she has been craving for weeks now and yet the only thing she can currently think of is why does he need to bother her _now_ when _now_ she only wants to talk to Saxa.

“Gratitude,” Mira answers anyway, and he gives her one of her rare smiles.

“May I borrow you for a moment?” he asks her then and she swallows down a _“No, because an absolutely striking woman has just kissed me and I need to know if she meant it_.” and says: “Of course.”

She lets him lead her away from the crowd, leaving the people sharing wine and wondering who the next couples to fight are.

“I am sorry,” Spartacus tells her softly, before she can ask him how exactly she can help him.

“You are sorry,” she repeats, her voice sounding unbelieving even to her own ears and he laughs at that.

“I do know to admit when I make a mistake, don’t look this shocked,” he says.

“Apologies if the previous experience denies it,” she shoots back, but her voice lacks the anger.

“I probably deserve it,” Spartacus comments dryly and then he leans closer to her to take her hand into his. “I am sorry. I understand why you tried to kill Illythia – I shouldn’t have-“ he swallows and starts again. “You did what you believed was right. And I should not have used it as an excuse to – well. I love my wife. I always loved her. And I always will and it was wrong of me to lead you to believe I could get over her.”

Mira looks at him at that and she thinks she should feel – something. Anger, frustration, heartbreak and yet, she smiles, feeling lighter than ever before.

“It’s alright,” she says. “I am forgiving you.”

“I am not sure you should,” he admits quietly, surprised and she laughs at that, free.

“Maybe. But it is my decision, Spartacus, not yours.”

“You should talk to her,” Spartacus tells her suddenly and she would laugh at him for wanting to change the topic if she had any idea what he was talking about.

“To whom?” she asks and _he_ laughs at _her_ but it’s not mean.

“I don’t know. Possibly to the woman who is so much into you that she has spent last three weeks trying to get to you. Or maybe to the woman who has just kissed you in front of everyone. Luckily for you it is the same woman.”

“Saxa isn't into me,” Mira states.

“And they say _I_ am blind,” he murmurs, disbelieving. “I wanted to make sure there is no more tension between us. And I have no idea if- if you are not interested in _her_ I will make sure she won’t ever get near you again. But if you are- I have lost the most precious person in my life. If you _are_ into her, don’t let her just pass by.”

“Oh gods,” Mira whispers, because she is that eloquent. Then: “Thank you.”

His laughter follows her through the temple and she thinks she should be nervous because he never laughed this much when she was _with_ him but somehow she doesn’t.

Before she can find Saxa though, the Roman ballistae start firing.


	5. Chapter 5

Vesuvius, Mira decides after Spartacus ends their conversation, is a horrible place to be stuck at, which, admittedly, means she isn't too surprised when Gannicus appears next to them, pale and annoyed and informs them that the Germans are about to attempt breaking through the soldiers guarding the only path from the mountain. It still does make her angry.

-

Shooting Ashur does make her feel moderately better, though, she thinks as she is smothering the Roman soldiers with arrows, allowing exasperatedly-looking Gannicus to grab Saxa’s hand and lift her from the ground and allowing Spartacus and Crixus to stab through some other soldier and Ashur’s mercenaries, and really, where did that man get hold of them and why is there so fucking many of them?

_There are too many,_ she thinks and clearly, she isn't the only one as one of the gladiators decisively calls for a retreat – Spartacus looks this close to ignore them but then the responsibility seems to win, and he turns and-

“Spartacus!”

It all happens in a matter of seconds - she didn’t see Salvius to throw the axe, but he must have, she thinks, as she watches the weapon spiral towards Spartacus and herself and there is nothing she can do, she should move, she really should but she is too stunned and she is going to die, why cannot she just move-

Except then she doesn’t die, as Spartacus somehow manages to raise his sword and the blade of it hits against the axe’s handle, swaying it from its course, so that it hits the rocks instead and then it shatters to the ground and she is still staring at it, but then Spartacus grabs her hand and pulls her with him.

-

“Was it worth it?” Spartacus growls later, staring at Nemetes with so much anger that Mira would feel bad for him if the man wasn’t downright horrible. “Was your life worth almost losing ours?”

“We are all going to die either way,” Nemetes spits back and Mira thinks she might slap him just for the sake of it, but, inexplicably, Saxa beats her to it.

“You idiot!” she says, while Nemetes is too busy spitting out blood. “Maybe we are- but you made it fucking easy for Romans- I can’t believe I actually thought you were right, you good for nothing of a man, you were just standing there and letting everyone else do the job for you and Mira has almost died because of it, how could I have thought you are the one who gets us out of this?!” she finishes, she slaps him some more before he can even think of an answer and then she turns to Spartacus, who looks speechless. Good, so that’s not only Mira feeling that way.

“Apologies,” Saxa says and now she sounds shaken and then she gives Nemetes one last glare and goes stand next to Gannicus.

Spartacus is saying something then, something about need for cooperation, but Mira chooses to ignore him for the moment and instead she is staring at Saxa, whose hands are still shaking ever so slightly and could it really be because _Mira_ almost died?

She thinks of what Spartacus had to say about Saxa supposedly being into her, before the temple was attacked, except that in between the battle, the _how the fuck do we feed these people when we are stuck at a mountain where nothing but fucking vines grows_ and Saxa staring at Gannicus’ ass more often than not, Mira has decided it must have been wishful thinking on her side and if Spartacus was of the same opinion, it could have been caused by the fact he simply really wanted Mira to be with someone else.

Except that now she is staring at Saxa and Saxa catches her stare and she holds it and-

And then Gannicus smirks and lightly shows the German forward and Saxa turns to scowl at him for a second but then she crosses the distance between herself and Mira.

“Can we break words?” she asks and Mira stares at her for a second and then she reminds herself that an answer would be fine and she nods and Saxa smiles and takes hold of her hand and leads her, gently, away from the crowd.

-

“I’m sorry,” is the first thing Saxa tells her and Mira was expecting many things but definitely not this.

“You are sorry,” she repeats.

“You could have died – fuck, I thought I was going to watch you die and only because of my and Nemetes’ stupid decision, of course I am sorry.”

“Right,” Mira says. “It didn’t come to pass though, so I think there’s no need to be apologizing.”

Saxa laughs at it. “If you say so. I still do need to thank Spartacus for saving your life, either way.”

“You care an awful lot for whether I live or not,” Mira notes quietly then and at that Saxa does stare at her as if she lost her mind.

“Obviously,” the German says. “Of course I care whether you live or not, I happen to like you, you stupid-“

“You happen to like me.” Mira says and at that Saxa blinks several times at her, confused.

“Sure I do. Now, as I was saying-“

“You happen to like me.” Mira says again and Saxa sighs and her hand goes to cup Mira’s face, gently.

“I have kissed you,” she says. “I don’t kiss people I don’t like.”

“I was kissed many times,” Mira answers softly, not really wanting to look at Saxa as she says it but incapable to look away. “It usually didn’t mean someone _liked_ me, if you understand.”

At that Saxa looks murderous for a second, then she shakes her head and murmurs something that sound suspiciously like “discuss later” and then she smiles.

“I _have been flattering your archery skills_ , for gods’ sake, do you think I would flatter _archery skills_ if I didn’t like you?”

And at that, somehow, Mira smiles too.

“Maybe you just finally understood bows and arrows are more than proper weapons.” She suggests and Saxa laughs, warm and rich and then she leans closer.

“Now that we have cleared this,” she whispers. “Do you think I can kiss you again? In a way that will make it clear I do like you. And in a way that will make it clear you like me.” She hesitates for a moment and Mira decides she is finding that very endearing. “I mean. You do like me, don’t you? I haven’t read the signs wrong-“

“You didn’t,” Mira agrees and Saxa smiles even brighter and then she leans even closer, impossibly so, so that their chests are touching and then she kisses her, slow and with purpose and Mira doesn’t even question it, she just parts her lips and Saxa’ left hand moves into Mira’s hair and it’s amazing, even better than Mira ever imagined.

(They do not return to the others for a very long time – by the time they do, Spartacus has a strategy ready and he and Gannicus both look annoyingly smug and content when they notice Mira and Saxa are still holding hands and Mira’s dress is tied the wrong way.)

THE END


End file.
